“Lax Bros” Work to End “Lax Bros” Label — April Fools

For the April Fool’s Day edition of The Minaret, we put together a special, fake edition of the newspaper that’s meant to satirize and kid about many of the biggest stories of our year. Since the sports section has focused so greatly on lacrosse, I found it only fitting to focus my satire on a title given to the stars of UT’s newest sport. Here it is.

Over 500 lacrosse players, hailing from all over the state of Florida, gathered in Vaughn Courtyard on Monday afternoon for a common cause: to eliminate a phrase from the everyday student’s vocabulary.

“I just like, I don’t know,” said Johnny Goons, a junior midfielder from the University of Florida. “I, like, wish people understood us. I wish we were, like, normal students too. I’m just so freaking sick, like, ya know? I know I’m totes jacked and built but, like, I’m a student too.”

“I’m not, like,” he added, “just a ‘Lax Bro.’”

The term ‘Lax Bro’ has been gaining more and more attention at UT as the school added lacrosse in the fall and began playing games this spring. What started out as an endearing joke about smelly, sweaty, athletically-gifted young men has turned into something more; it’s turned into a derogatory comment about smelly, sweaty, athletically-gifted young men. The team though, is making a stand.

“We know we’re better looking than you,” said Ben Buffington, UT’s fourth-string goalie, during Monday’s rally. “But does that give you the right to call us names? Just cause we’re sexy and sometimes smell funky and all live in McKay doesn’t mean you can, like, label us and stuff.”

In a poll recently conducted by The Office of Kind-of Rude But Mostly Accurate Statements, ‘Lax Bro’ came in as the most commonly used relatively rude title in McKay and Smiley halls as well as the Boathouse. It came a close second in Austin Hall next to ‘Sloppy.’

Monday’s protest came in reaction to Friday’s match against Witchington Crater Valley State College when a female student held up a sign that read “I Love Lax Bros. See You Later! Stadium 919A.” Following the room number, there was also a winking smiley face.

“I don’t really get the big deal,” said Freddie Juanjie, a sophomore business major. “Seems like she wasn’t insulting them. It just seems like she was DTF.”

To these young men though, Monday’s speaking out was just the beginning.

“I appreciated her offer dude but I just couldn’t get with a chick who was gonna, like, show zero respect,” said Joey Bigurms, UT’s assistant to the assistant captain.

“This is gonna be, like, a long fight. I know my friends have been like ‘oh, ok, we won’t say it anymore.’ So obviously, you can tell from that, it’s gonna be a long battle. There’s gonna be guys who are gonna be mad and there’s gonna be chicks who aren’t gonna get any. We’re not gonna stop though. We want to be normal students who just, like, happen to be jacked and live in the same dorm.

“I’m not just a ‘Lax Bro,’ he added. “I’m also an annoying college freshman.”

This article was printed in The Minaret on March 29.